You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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