Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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