I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
