Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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