if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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