Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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