tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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