im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
