I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
