well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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