btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The feeling are messing with the penis
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
