so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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