I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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