Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
