Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
