If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
