i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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