Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
