Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
