mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
