i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
