I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
