My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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