We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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