I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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