I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
