we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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