he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
