you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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