fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
