1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
