I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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