I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
