Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
