I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
only if we run a train.
done.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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