shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
