lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
