Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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