She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
