there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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