Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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