He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
