There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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