i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
