Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
