Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
