Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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