I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
