You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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