i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
