Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
