There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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