good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
